How ADHD Affects Romantic Partnerships
Working with couples, I’ve witnessed it firsthand. One partner is frustrated that the other can’t remember to finish a certain task or is always late to events. The other partner becomes defensive, stating they are trying their best and tired of being nagged. Both partners feel unheard, leading to increased conflict. When asked if either partner has been diagnosed with ADHD, or if they exhibit certain symptoms, the answers can provide significant information and potential solutions. At East Side Therapy, we help couples navigate this unique dynamic by providing psychoeducation, implementing concrete strategies, and facilitating effective communication.
THE FACTS
According to a large study published in Psychiatry Research in 2023, 3.1% of adults live with ADHD. That rate is higher than other mental health diagnoses including bipolar disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, and PTSD. Several studies suggest less than 20% of adults with ADHD are aware that they have it, and only 10-15% of those adults receive an accurate diagnosis and treatment. Although three subtypes of ADHD exist, the most prevalent is the Inattentive Type (ADHD-I), characterized by issues like poor focus, frequent mistakes, and a tendency to ignore conversations. Additional manifestations of ADHD in adulthood include difficulty managing time and schedule, working harder or longer to do well, and talking a lot.
Researchers don’t know exactly what causes ADHD, but there is often a genetic component. If you have a relative with ADHD, you’re four to six times more likely to have it yourself. Studies of twins show a 60%-90% heritability. Along with genes, other factors thought to play a role in whether someone gets ADHD include head injuries, exposure to environmental toxins like lead, premature birth, low birth weight, and whether the mother used tobacco or alcohol during pregnancy. Fun fact: The higher your IQ, the more likely it is you’ll get your diagnosis late because you’ll do such a good job making up for your ADHD symptoms.
IS ADHD IMPACTING YOUR RELATIONSHIP?
Some hints that ADHD might be affecting your relationship:
Responsibilities feel uneven
Inability to discuss unmet expectations without arguing
Arguments get stuck on whose memory is right
Feeling that screens (phones, iPads, TV) are more important than the relationship
Poor follow through on tasks
Infrequent or non-existent sex life
Parenting struggles with a good cop/bad cop dynamic
Constant arguing over seemingly inconsequential topics
The partner without ADHD often feels angry, frustrated, sad and disappointed – why does my partner have to be constantly reminded to get anything done?! They overcompensate, wanting to help but often left feeling overburdened. The ADHD partner often feels worthless, resentful, sad and disappointed in themselves – how can my partner expect me to respond when they talk to me like that?! They begin walking on eggshells, waiting for the next time they let their partner down.
A DIAGNOSIS, NOT A RELATIONSHIP DEATH SENTENCE
Although every couple is unique, there are strategies to improve communication and inject a healthy dose of optimism. One of the most important things to consider is that just because a partner can’t seem to finish the dishes, it doesn’t mean they don’t care. It also doesn’t mean the behavior has to be accepted, rather, coping strategies can be introduced to help break the negative cycles. What IS important to remember is that both partners are struggling. Having ADHD, and being in a relationship with an ADHD partner, can be a lifelong learning process. It can help to focus on the ADHD partner’s strengths, strategizing together what tasks they are best suited to complete. For example, many with ADHD have the ability to hyperfocus on what they are doing for hours on end. This skill can make them excellent gardeners, bathroom tile cleaners, and home video editors!
A FEW THINGS TO CONSIDER
There is no “I” in team. If one partner is constantly being blamed, change can’t happen. Both partners must recognize their role and focus on changing themselves and not their partner.
Be kind. Patterns cannot be broken overnight.
Consider medication. ADHD is linked to imbalances of neurotransmitters in the brain, similar to how insulin is dysregulated in a person with diabetes.
IS THIS YOU? we CAN HELP!
If you see yourself or your partner in these descriptions, you may have a relationship being impacted by ADHD. At East Side Therapy we have clinicians who specialize in ADHD and can help you better understand yourself and your partner.
Learn more about our team of therapists OR schedule a free consultation call here.
more services at east side therapy
East Side Therapy offers a wide variety of mental health services for individual adolescents and adults, couples (poly and kink inclusive), and families. We provide virtual therapy throughout California, as well as in-person sessions at our Echo Park office in Los Angeles, CA. Our strong team of therapists specialize in issues such as depression, anxiety, trauma therapy, EMDR, LGBTQ+ issues, therapy for women and perinatal mental health, highly sensitive people, eating disorders, teen therapy, neurodivergence (ADHD, Autism, AuDHD), and more. Please visit our services page to read more about the types of therapy we offer and a full list of specialties. You can also read more about each of our therapists on our team page. For additional information, check out our FAQ, About Us, Groups, and Blog.
