Why Are Pronouns So Important? The Answer Is Safety, Not Grammar…
One of the most common questions to receive when advocating for the LGBTQ+ community is “what is the deal with pronouns and why does everyone care so much?” East Side Therapy is dedicated to educating about important topics like this and creating a safer and more affirming environment for LGBTQ+ people.
For many people, thinking about the concept of pronouns takes them back to grade school grammar class and memories of learning what seemed like tedious grammar rules as a child. Being transported back to the days of worksheets and counting down the minutes before class is over is uncomfortable, and dismissing the issue as pedantic offers a tempting escape. The use of pronouns to affirm someone’s identity is not a grammar issue, however, and is far from trivial.
PRONOUNS GIVE US CONTEXT
English, like many languages, attaches cultural connotations to the words we use, especially when it comes to gender. The words we choose have both a literal meaning and a contextual association that tell the listener how we are framing a concept and how we feel about it. When we use a pronoun to refer to a person, we are telling them what set of gender role assumptions we are attributing to them, whether we mean to or not. In fact, our word choice not only affects how the other person receives our message but also affects how we process the information in our own minds.
The concept of linguistic relativity, often dubbed the “Whorfian hypothesis,” suggests the words we use affect our perception through association. Even if you aren’t intending to misgender someone or minimize their identity, using the wrong pronouns can make your mind reframe that person within a set of inaccurate assumptions. This leads to misunderstanding, which will lead to confusion for you and invalidation of the other person. In short, the assumptions you are communicating through your choice of pronoun use are what can hurt others.
How Using Correct Pronouns Demonstrates Respect And Creates Safety
Feeling understood by others affects our ability to feel safe and secure in social situations. We all need to feel safe, and communicating to others that you are trying to understand where they are coming from is an important way to build safety and trust. Using the set of pronouns that best represent how someone self-identifies is one of the most accessible ways to show that you are a safe person to talk to and are interested in understanding someone. Even if you have to pause or correct yourself, you are demonstrating that you are stopping to think about who that person IS every time you talk about them. That is a social sign of respect that everyone can appreciate, no matter their gender identity.
PRONOUNS GIVE US CONTEXT
While the use of gender-neutral pronouns (they/them) and neopronouns (xe/xir, fae/faer, etc.) may feel foreign to new users, they allow us to build automatic associations that offer a shortcut to understanding who we are talking to or about, outside of traditional binary definitions. When someone shares their pronouns, they are offering the gift of a shortcut to understanding who they are, not creating an obstacle. Remember: when someone shares with you a set of pronouns that best matches who they are as a person, they give you a set of tools to help you conceptualize where they are coming from so that you both can feel safer through better understanding.
AIM FOR PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION
Language is organic and evolves as we do. As we move towards greater acceptance of others, altering the way we use language helps us update the way we think so we can all feel safer and more connected while we grow as a community.
Next time you feel frustrated by pronoun use, remember: the conversation about pronoun use is about SAFETY and understanding, not grammar!
additional resources
Want to know more about how the English language affects our cultural perception of gender and vice versa? Check out “Wordslut” by Amanda Montell for a down-to-earth, accessible exploration of linguistic relativity through a feminist and queer-affirming lens. You will laugh, think, and learn new ways to use language to affirm others without feeling shamed for ways you might be unintentionally reinforcing gender bias (we’ve all done it).
what role can therapy play when it comes to pronouns?
If you are someone struggling with gender identity, it can be helpful to process your feelings of confusion, anxiety, or dysphoria with a therapist who specializes in LGBTQIA+ and gender issues. Having a safe and supportive space to explore these issues can lead to more clarity around gender identity. Deciding which pronouns feel best to you is just one important aspect of this journey towards affirming who you truly are.
If you are struggling to understand or support a loved one who has shared their pronouns, therapy can be a safe space to explore any confusion or resistance that might be coming up. Educating yourself and working through that internal conflict is are concrete actions that you can take in service of becoming a better ally, friend, or family member.
CONNECT WITH A THERAPIST IN LOS ANGELES, CA
At East Side Therapy, we understand that, when it comes to LGBTQ and gender issues, finding a therapist can be tough. You never know what assumptions or biases a person is holding, so to open up to a stranger is extremely vulnerable. This is why finding a queer-affirming therapist who specializes in these topics is so important. Every therapist at East Side Therapy is LGBTQ allied and affirming. Some of our therapists specialize in gender-affirming care and LGBTQ+ issues.
Learn more about our team of therapists OR schedule a free consultation call here.
more services at east side therapy
East Side Therapy offers a wide variety of mental health services for individual adolescents and adults, couples (poly and kink inclusive), and families. We provide virtual therapy throughout California, as well as in-person sessions at our Echo Park office in Los Angeles, CA. Our strong team of therapists specialize in issues such as depression, anxiety, trauma therapy, EMDR, LGBTQ+ issues, therapy for women and perinatal mental health, highly sensitive people, eating disorders, teen therapy, neurodivergence (ADHD, Autism, AuDHD), and more. Please visit our services page to read more about the types of therapy we offer and a full list of specialties. You can also read more about each of our therapists on our team page. For additional information, check out our FAQ, About Us, Groups, and Blog.
